They say it is up to me to choose to live now.

How I wish I could go out and love living my life,

Just as I know, if roles were reversed, you would.

But in the quiet and the loud, grief slices through me like a knife.

There is no choice here; my flame for life extinguished.

Knuckles bright white from clinging on so tight

To a life I no longer want. Trapped with no end in sight.

When all I want to do is let go and sink into the night.

The sun rises, seasons changing; the garden waking from hibernation,

New life everywhere, birdsong fills the air. Spring has arrived,

But I need it to stop. All I want is my old life with you.

I wish I could sacrifice myself for you to have survived.

Pushing everyone away, socially bankrupt. 

The only embrace I obsessively crave to soothe this pain has left this earth,

My safety rug ripped from under my feet without warning,

My whole life irreversibly altered. How I hope you knew your worth.

This must be what functioning grief is,

Waking, working, surviving. No joy; heart scarred from a grief war.

Just a mask I have been forced to learn to wear.

I am counting down until I can put the heavy mask down and be together once more.